Bumper sticker humor


  The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

  If you smoke after sex, your doing it too fast.

  I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

  If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

  We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

  Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

  The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

  Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

  A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

  A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen
  hammer.

  There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

  I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

  WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

  You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

  BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

  I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

  So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

  I need someone really bad... are you really bad?

  Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

  To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

  Horn broken, watch for finger.

  All men are idiots ... I married their king.

  The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

  My kid had sex with your honor student.

  Help wanted telepathy: you know where to apply.

  Jesus loves you... Everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

  I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

  Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

  Keep honking, I'm reloading.

  As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

  Hang up and drive.

  WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.

 Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

 Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

 Born again pagan.

 God must love stupid people, he made so many.

 I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

 The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

 I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

 There's too much youth, how about a fountain of smart.

 When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

 I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

 Where there's a will, I want to be in it!

 Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

 Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.

 Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

 Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

 Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

 Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

 Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a
 rock.

 My other car is a piece of  shit, too.

 I speed up to run over small animals.