Landers in the Summer

Dear Mom:

May 30th:
Just moved to Landers, California. Now this is a 
town that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny days 
and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched 
the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was 
beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it 
here.

June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100ª today. Not a 
problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive 
an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see 
the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a 
sun worshiper.

June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants 
today? Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to 
maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another 
scorcher today but I love it here.

July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100ª all 
week.How do people get used to this kind of heat? 
At least it's kind of windy though. But getting 
used to the heat and humidity is taking longer 
that I expected.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool and got 2nd degree burns 
over 60% of my body. Missed three days of 
work.What a dumb thing to do.I learned my lesson 
though.  Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate 
like this.

July 20th:
I missed Morgan (our cat) sneaking into the car 
when I left this morning. By the time I got to 
the hot car for lunch, Morgan had died and 
swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and 
stank up the $2,000 leather upholstery. I told 
the kids that she ran away. The car now smells 
like Kibbles and shits. I learned my lesson 
though. No more pets in this heat.

July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant  blow 
dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home 
air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC 
repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell 
me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three 
nights now. $1,500 in damn house payments and we 
can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th:
It's 110 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner 
fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the 
temperature down to 85 but this  humidity makes 
the house feel like it's about 95. Stupid 
repairman. I hate this stupid town.

Aug. 8th:
If another wise-ass cracks, "Hot enough for you 
today?" I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By 
the time I get to work the radiator is boiling 
over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell 
like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts 
and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' 
car. I thought my ass was on fire. I lost 2 
layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of 
my legs and ass. Now my car smells like burnt 
hair, fried ass, and baked cat.

Aug. 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn 
recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and 
sunny. It's been too hot to do shit for two damn 
months and the weatherman says yes it might 
really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in 
this damn desert? Water rationing will be next so 
my $1700 worth of cactus just might dry up and 
blow into the damn pool. Even the cactus can't 
live in this damn heat.

Aug. 14th:
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 112ª today. 
Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn 
windshield out of the car. The installer came to 
fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My 
wife had to spend the $1500 house payment to bail 
me out of jail.

Landers!
What kind of a person would want to live here?


  Thank You and God Bless!
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