OFFICE DICTIONARY: What it really means:
 
  1. COMPETITIVE SALARY:
   We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
 
  2. JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
   We have no time to train you.
 
  3. CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
   We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
 
  4. MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
   You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
 
  5. SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
   Some time each night and some time each weekend.
 
  6. DUTIES WILL VARY:
   Anyone in the office can boss you around.
 
 7. MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
   We have no quality control.
 
  8. CAREER-MINDED:
   Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way.)
 
  9. APPLY IN PERSON:
   If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been killed.
 
 10. NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
   We've filled the job; our call for resume is just a legal formality.
 
 11. SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
   You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
 
  12. PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
   You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
 
  13. REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
   You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
 
 14. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
   Management communicates: you listen, you figure out what they want you to
   do and do it.
 
 15. "I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"
   I've used Microsoft Office.
 
 16. "I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:" 
   I pilfer office supplies.
 
  18. "MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:" 
   I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
 
 19. "I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:"
   I blame others for my mistakes.

  20. "I'M PERSONABLE:"
   I give lots of unsolicited personal advice.
 
 22. "I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:"
   I carry a Day-Timer.
 
 23. "I AM ADAPTABLE:"
   I've changed jobs a lot.
 
  24. "I AM ON THE GO:"
   I'm never at my desk.
 
  25. "I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:" 
   The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here!